this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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