First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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