probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
