There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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