it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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