I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
