I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
