how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
