White coat. Heels.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
