his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
