I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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