so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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