you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
