he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
