So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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