I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
