So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
