lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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