Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
