glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
ok first of all what the fuck
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
