I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
