New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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