I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
