I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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