i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
