Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
