youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
His nipple licking is glorious
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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