I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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