Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
