I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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