I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
