whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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