im six kinds of drunk right now
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
