I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
