During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize