I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
