her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize