but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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