did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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