I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You made out with two different species that night
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
