Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
