i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
