she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Floor bacon is actually really good
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Two words: nipple clamps
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