You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
