I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you would pick up someone in the library
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We have started to decorate penises.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
