I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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