If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
