I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
