he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
