I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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