I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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