The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dear god my vagina.
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