He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
