Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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