oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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