3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize