Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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