I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
