omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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