You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize