yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
