She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
