And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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